JWoww gives bad face to Maxim

So watch me now eat my words..... I previously wrote that I was a big fan of Jwoww body and face during the latest season of Jersey Shore (is it season three or four? Can't remember but feeling rather old at the moment.... would be feeling older if I was not aware of how quickly they were pumping them out, regardless I mean the one where they are in Florence). I specify the time period because in recent photo shoots (as previously evidenced) the bod has suffered considerably. But looking at this photo the face is not doing too well either. Not sure if she was smacked out, crackout out, fall down drunk or otherwise off her tits but this photo is not doing her face any favors. All of those might be possibilities but I'm worried she's had more work done. Maybe some bad botox which has (further) frozen her ability to express. Whatever it is if this was the most flattering photo they had.... I shake to see the outtakes.

Madonna's Face: a hotbed for (not very good) plastic surgery

Heidi Montag: Before and After- When Plastic Surgery is a HUGE mistake

So I know that this happened yonks ago now but I saw a picture of her recently and just thought how much better she looked before.... so I had to revisit the old Heidi and she just did look SO much better.

Size 10 my ass..... and a discussion of the size Lauren Goodger's

Some of you may know Lauren Goodger from the television show 'The Only Way Is Essex' (yes the same show that has enabled Amy Childs to abuse Birkins and pelts). Don't worry if you haven't seen the show it will not prevent you from enjoying the post.

This girl claims that she is a UK size 10 (an American 6)..... It is a claim I intend to dispute here. 

I must admit I am always somewhat amused when celebrities reveal their dress size. Mostly because it is usually done to retort claims that they gave gained weight and are therefore often laughable (one of my favorites being Kim Kardashian's assertion that she is a US size 2.... given that the basically is a midget it would not surprise me if some of her fit into size 2; however, I would actually love to witness her ass fit into a size 2.... I imagine it wold be as akin to trying to fit Khloe into Kim) at best. In this case Lauren Goodger has claimed (in response to being 'bullied' about her weight on twitter) that she is actually a UK 10 and then posed in her underwear to prove it to anyone..... As an attempt to cease people commenting about her size this has got to be one of the worst ideas anyone from TOWIE ('The Only Way Is Essex') has ever come up with (and I'm including Joey Essex's choice in clothing, the ill fated glamping experiment and Arg's purchase of a full sized pig- thinking it was a micro pig in here). This idiotic decision has only created fodder for the media and commentators alike... making us all feel validated in pointing out that the girl is indeed fat and apparently delusional. I would also like to add that I feel her tub has actually violated me. I unsuspectingly sat down to read the news and I was eye raped by her lard. Images which nobody (and I'm including her fiancee in this diatribe) should ever be forced to see, particularly without consent.

So firstly let us start with the pictures that sparked this debate....

I would say the girl's a heffalump but hefalump's are both cute and fictional. Sadly she is neither. What she does look like is an over cooked sausage which has been squeezed into some red foil. I'm half expecting the casing to burst and fat to literally ooze out.... disgusting.

 Soooooo here is the apparent 'proof' of her size 10 status. I'm pretty sure whoever does her PR (a) deserves an IMMEDIATE canning.... do not pass go do NOT collect 200 dollars (b) deserves the unmitigated disapproval of the masses for allowing this atrocity to great us over breakfast (one of many meals that Lauren clearly enjoys...).

 Even the corset fails to encase her 'svelte' *ahem figure....

So here's a picture of her face. If I didn't know that she was a wide load bearing gremlin of the highest order I would objectively say she's pretty here.... however, on closer inspection I notice her sausage fingers. I have had bowel movements that are more lady like that those vertiginous talons. I would also take this opportunity to point out both her membership to the botox club and her altered nose.

Now I am both a proponent of botox and surgery BUT girl can we please get your priorities straight. The wrinkles on your forehead SHOULD NOT be your greatest concern..... not when you have a double chin the size of a small a cup bulging from your neck. That is undoubtedly the most offensive 'wrinkle' on your face and what should have dealt with accordingly. There is no point in having a taut face when the rest of you looks like a collapsed pudding.

Remembering Crystal and Hugh... and her original face

So Crystal Harris and High Hefner broke up...

Annnnnd I'm pretty sure that the only shocking thing about that statement is that I'm uttering it prior to their wedding date rather than after.

With five days left to go any one else think that the statement that there was no pre nup is bull?

Regardless for all of celbopervs out there here are some pics of Crystal and Hef. Let's watch their relationship (and her face) evolve together.

So here we have Crystal at the beginning of the relationship. I would like to point out that she is (a) the least attractive girl in this picture (b) the most covered up and (c) the farthest from Hef..... that was all about to change.

I'm not sure what's going on with her face. I'm not sure if she had a sketchy skin implant at one point because I find the shape of her head generally offensive. There is also the MASSIVE forehead which the soon to appear hair extensions will shortly fix. BUT I wold also like to point out the clear affects of botox on that forehead... honestly it looks like a bowling ball... which is great but girlfriend's got bigger issues than a few premature wrinkles. I would have suggested she put that $500 towards a decent dye job.

 Because her main man stepped in and got her a new nose and some sweet new tits! All of a sudden she was standing next to him and the twins were shafted to the side.

 Crystal is apparently born in 1986 which makes her 24 (and one year older than me), and also 60 years Hef's junior. I'm not debating the fact that she's younger than him... she clearly is BUT I think she looks a lot older than 24....

Now we can really see the new breast implants and the long hair extensions to match,

The happy family...

Then the twins rapidly expanded and just like the blimps they so resembled they shorts took flight. Leaving Crystal as Hef's one and only girlfriend.

Clearly Crystal was super excited about this promotion because she decided to let her body go and concentrate on enhancements to her face.... (potentially a sly strategy to avoid sex with a man, albeit your fiancee, who is 60 years your senior and likely riddled with VDs, while still appearing attractive to the world).

 Crystal at this point apparently decided that she wanted to emulate the joker because all of a sudden her smile doubled in size, she got longer extensions and some brand new veneers (I'm guessing that when the other girls absconded she got a raise...., although $1000 a week could probably keep you looking 'this good' when your clothes are this cheap).

what the f*ck.....

 Now I'm wondering here if girlfriend has a SECOND rhinoplasty or whether this is it finally settling. I'm on the fence on whether it looks adorable OR too pinched.

 I KNOW! 24 MY ASS! Either Crystal's plastic surgeon decided to look like she was in her mid to late 30s or someone has done some slick lying about her age. Alternatively I think that Crystal might be asking her plastic surgeon to make her look like Meg Ryan (post surgery).... or going to Meg Ryan's surgeon (both equally bad calls) because the mouth is just insane.

 I wanted this bag.... annnnnnd now I don't.

Their last public appearance...

When good bags happen to terrible people.... Birkin edition

This post is a plea for those world citizens with a heart and a sense of compassion to rise up and free Amy Childs' Birkin from its current status as hostage to a scion of fashion depravity.

For those of you who have yet to have the pleasure of meeting this flame haired fashion flounder dry your eyes for I will happily give you a run down here. Amy Childs can to public attention on the regional reality show 'The Only Way Is Essex' (aka. a poor man's 'Made In Chelsea' or a more cosmetically enhanced version of 'Geordie Shore'). Some of you exclaim "but guru she's a reality star what do you expect" WELL let me tell you exactly what I expect- common decency. Just because you may have been raised by wolves and have decided to sell your dignity for the price of notoriety does not entitle you to a free pass. Rather, it entitles me to an all encompassing personal critique (made of course in the public interest) for the purpose of allowing you to better yourself.

Back to our little flame fired filly though... not only is she a sartorial disaster but she has also attracted my scorn for her abuse of the English language (pretty much my fav). Some of her most notable phrases include "well jell" (translation: very jealous), "honey" (which she uses to replace the object of almost any sentence) and "vajazzle" (the art of applying rhinestones to a vagina- something she considers herself to be the "queen" of). She has also famously stated that the capital of India was Pakistan.... on the upside though apparently was a star of the Essex County Table Tennis Team as a teenager.... so I guess we can at least claim solace in the fact that she's adept at handling small balls....

But back to the outfit...

(1) Birkin abuse- enough said. I think in today's example is fairly self evident.

(2) The hair.... Jessica Rabbit is pretty much trounces her in regard to pulling off this look which is pretty mortifying... considering Jessica Rabbit is... a cartoon rabbit.

(3) The coat..... I am actually conflicted as to which accessory I pity more. The animal whose hide was made into a Birkin (as far as post death jobs go- not a bad one) only to be touted by a failed Jessica Rabbit impersonator OR the fur coat which looks like it was severely abused post death and then wrapped around a failed Jessica Rabbit impersonator.

(4) I f*ing HATE when people where jeans without a belt. Rule of thumb- think of your belt belt loops like your private parts.... they should NEVER be exposed to the world.

(5) This isn't strictly outfit but I'm going to validate throwing it in as I consider plastic surgery to be an accessory (legit I feel).... her cheeks look like they need a swift pin prick and an exodus. Too much filler.  In fact I would suggest that you attempt to return that filler from whence it came and exchange it for a belt, stat.

Vogue Italia Makes Surgery Sexy in a 2005 Editorial

I ❤ this shoot. I think it's beautifully styled and shot but more importantly I think it highlights both the masochistic undertones of beauty and fashion. More broadly I think it says something about the myriad responsibilities and roles of modern women in society. These are roles we are arguably are expected and without a doubt attempt to perform whilst simultaneously  appearing our best (resultantly, my favorite shot in this regard HAS to be the one below of the woman on the operating table, in an evening gown with an open Motorola in her hand- could there be any greater portrait of the modern definition of woman). 

Hilary Duff: A Tale of Plastic Surgery

So I saw this picture today in the paper and it occurred to me..... is Hilary Duff's face morphing into Jennifer Lopez's? I'm just not sure BUT I know that I loved it.... up to a point. Also where did those thunder thighs come from?!

And if you're screaming: "That's not Hilary Duff".... well quite yourselves my loves.... IT IS. True story. But it's not that shocking because her face has been changing for awhile and I won't life I luuuurve the changes. They have been a definite improvement although not exactly subtle. 

So this was the Hilary Duff that we Disney fiends and fans of Lizzie McGuire knew and loved. 

But then her face started changing. There appears that there was a rhinoplasty in which she built up her bridge, veneers (which you can see from the 2005 picture were quite large but then she had them filed down between 2005 and 2008). I also think that she enjoyed fillers, botox and perhaps injectable jell around her jaw to build up her jaw line. 

In this photo the change in her nose appears clearly. Her bridge has been undoubtedly built up and the tip was significantly refined. It also shows the difference under her eyes which is likely the result of a combination of miso therapy and fillers (I had both under my eyes and experienced similar results). It also appears that she had botox in the creases of her eyes.

The photo above clearly shows when her veneers were filled down to eradicate the appearance of an overbite and make them appear more natural. 

I included the photo below not only because it offered a glimpse of her often hidden forehead but also because you can clearly see her jaw line. Although she has always had a strong jaw line the highly defined line is likely the result of gel fillers or even more likely a chin implant. 

Look at that forehead! So smooth, you could skate on it. True story.

My favorite (and resultantly THE BEST) celebrity plastic surgeries...

Alright so I decided that I would share with you all some of my favorite celebrity plastic surgeries, enjoy!

Ashlee Simpson

So Ashlee openly had a nose job a few years back; however, since then it would look like she's indulged in a little bit of botox and maybe a chin reduction.

Blake Lively

So Blake Lively is stunning which should give us all some hope as it is not ALL genetics, but rather her plastic surgeon is also due some credit as he did a fabulous job on her nose. It looks natural and fresh. 

Bryce Dallas Howard

So Bryce has had a nose job which looks very natural and complements her face well. 

Courtney Cox

So Courtney is not afraid of calling on some assistance when it comes to aging gracefully. She has clearly had botox, fillers, a breast augmentation and potentially has had either a lip implant or lip fillers as well. I think she looks great though!

Demi Moore

Demi looks amazing. Not just for her age but in general for a woman of any age. I would argue that she now looks the best that she in fact EVER has. It was openly suggested that she had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on surgery (something which she denies) including botox, a rhinoplasty, fillers, veneers, liposuction, breast augmentation and body contouring.

Giselle Bundchen

Giselle has undergone a rhinoplasty and also a breast augmentation to tweak her appearance to achieve her current super model status. Nobody can deny that she looks beautiful. 

Heather Matarazzo

Heather definitely underwent a rhinoplasty and it is a definite improvement. She tweaked her appearance without losing her quirkiness or her personality. A great job by her surgeon.

HIlary Swank

So she has always been a stunning woman but she has undergone a breast augmentation (likely with the implant underneath her muscle) which has definitely made her appear more feminine. 

Holly Madison

So it never even popped into my mind that Holly had undergone a rhinoplasty. Perhaps that was because it looked natural, or because I was being naive but I think that it looks great. She has also clearly undergone a breast augmentation and potentially liposuction (although it is clear that she also has spent considerable time in the gym). Clearly the improvements have yielded great results and hopefully they have helped her obtain her goals.

Jessica Simpson

Jessica has benefitted from veneers and a rhinoplasty. The rhinoplasty looks incredibly natural and really complements her face. 

Kate Hudson

Looks AMAZING. Such an improvement and so natural. I would have never known. Two thumbs up, great family fun.

Kim Kardashian

Not going to lie. Kim Kardashian pisses me off. Mostly (although there are loads of other reasons) because there are hundreds, thousands (perhaps millions) of girls around the world who aspire to look like her and the simply fact is that her proportions, her appearance cannot be obtained purely through genetics, gym attendance or through a beauty regime but rather it was obtained through expense, intervention and surgery and when it's so glaringly obvious I wish she would simply own up to it. Yes she has admitted to using botox but that is really the tip of the iceberg and a moot point at this juncture (the more apt question, or comment, might be- who doesn't?!). I agree that celebrities often don't intend to be role models and I sympathize with the realization that there are aspects of their life that they may want to keep private. However, in the name of honesty and truth I think there are times when they should simply admit to the obvious. Particularly when others are affected by the lie. This is probably who I prefer Kourtney to Kim (... and her superior style), I love that she is up front about the fact that she has benefitted from a breast sugmentation.

Leighton Meester

Clearly visible but I never would have suspected it (the result of a job which is truly well done).  She clearly had a very subtle rhinoplasty as well as her teeth filed to even them out, although that it does not appear that she had a full set of veneers. 

Lindsay Lohan

A rhinoplasty truly well done. The tip is perfect a great but subtle change. 

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen

A very subtle job done to minimize what was once a very bulbous tip. I like that there is a slight difference between Mary Kate and Ashley's noses but they still look the same. A great job. 

Nicky Hilton

A fantastic job very well done. The tip is much improved. 

Ryan Gosling

Representing for the men and proving that they can rectify their insecurities as well (yes, that's right- it's not just women ladies!) we have Ryan Wilson and his improved shnoz. Let's not lie, we appreciate the improvement. He's a hottie. 

Scarlett Johansson

So I always suspected that Scarlett had some fakeness about her. This is probably because I just generally don't like her (and by her I mean her fashion choices, her makeup, her hair, her voice - I really, really, really, REALLY do not like her voice.... like A LOT... I feel strongly about her voice-, her tattoos, the fact that she went out with Seann Penn, the fact that she divorced Ryan Reynolds- not only hot but Canadian-, and the fact that she played Anne Bolyen - a role that, in my opinion, she totally butchered-. I always thought that her breasts were fake but I'll settle for the nose.