Some of you may know Lauren Goodger from the television show 'The Only Way Is Essex' (yes the same show that has enabled Amy Childs to abuse Birkins and pelts). Don't worry if you haven't seen the show it will not prevent you from enjoying the post.
This girl claims that she is a UK size 10 (an American 6)..... It is a claim I intend to dispute here.
I must admit I am always somewhat amused when celebrities reveal their dress size. Mostly because it is usually done to retort claims that they gave gained weight and are therefore often laughable (one of my favorites being Kim Kardashian's assertion that she is a US size 2.... given that the basically is a midget it would not surprise me if some of her fit into size 2; however, I would actually love to witness her ass fit into a size 2.... I imagine it wold be as akin to trying to fit Khloe into Kim) at best. In this case Lauren Goodger has claimed (in response to being 'bullied' about her weight on twitter) that she is actually a UK 10 and then posed in her underwear to prove it to anyone..... As an attempt to cease people commenting about her size this has got to be one of the worst ideas anyone from TOWIE ('The Only Way Is Essex') has ever come up with (and I'm including Joey Essex's choice in clothing, the ill fated glamping experiment and Arg's purchase of a full sized pig- thinking it was a micro pig in here). This idiotic decision has only created fodder for the media and commentators alike... making us all feel validated in pointing out that the girl is indeed fat and apparently delusional. I would also like to add that I feel her tub has actually violated me. I unsuspectingly sat down to read the news and I was eye raped by her lard. Images which nobody (and I'm including her fiancee in this diatribe) should ever be forced to see, particularly without consent.
So firstly let us start with the pictures that sparked this debate....
I would say the girl's a heffalump but hefalump's are both cute and fictional. Sadly she is neither. What she does look like is an over cooked sausage which has been squeezed into some red foil. I'm half expecting the casing to burst and fat to literally ooze out.... disgusting.
Soooooo here is the apparent 'proof' of her size 10 status. I'm pretty sure whoever does her PR (a) deserves an IMMEDIATE canning.... do not pass go do NOT collect 200 dollars (b) deserves the unmitigated disapproval of the masses for allowing this atrocity to great us over breakfast (one of many meals that Lauren clearly enjoys...).
Even the corset fails to encase her 'svelte' *ahem figure....
So here's a picture of her face. If I didn't know that she was a wide load bearing gremlin of the highest order I would objectively say she's pretty here.... however, on closer inspection I notice her sausage fingers. I have had bowel movements that are more lady like that those vertiginous talons. I would also take this opportunity to point out both her membership to the botox club and her altered nose.
Now I am both a proponent of botox and surgery BUT girl can we please get your priorities straight. The wrinkles on your forehead SHOULD NOT be your greatest concern..... not when you have a double chin the size of a small a cup bulging from your neck. That is undoubtedly the most offensive 'wrinkle' on your face and what should have dealt with accordingly. There is no point in having a taut face when the rest of you looks like a collapsed pudding.
